Tonight started out mellow. A nice fire in the fire place & watching a few movies after running errands. I got dinner ready, and I started a movie that had my wheels spinning. My whole life, I've never been afraid to die. I've thought about when I go, what it will be like, how old I will be...etc. I've thought about different reasons why I would die, and where I would be in my life, but still never afraid...Until tonight. Tonight I started this movie called Beginners. I'm not entirely sure if this movie was supposed to have the effect on me that it did. It brought up recent memories of my grandmother passing. She became very sick a few years ago and fought a very rare and strong disease. She ended up passing in the hospital after 2 years of a long, hard fight. This movie tonight reminded me of how strong she was. How she never showed fear (in front of me at least). It reminded me of how she fought until SHE was done fighting. I believe, after long enough in the hospital, my grandma was tired. She was tired of fighting and being sick. So when she was ready, she went.
Watching this movie snuggled up on my sofa with Abe and Bellin, I looked over at Bellin and thought, "how could I ever leave you behind" , "Who would love you and take care of you like I do", "Who is going to teach you right from wrong", "who is going to be your best friend". I've never been so afraid.
Being a mother is most bittersweet feeling. It is incredible, but you don't want to fail. All you can do is love, and love hard.
The moment my life changed forever.
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